Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Not a lot of people know this about me, but a few years ago and throughout my teens I suffered from depression. It runs in my family; when my father was a young hippie the journal he kept described the emptiness that is depression. What some people do not understand is that it is not actually a feeling of sadness, but a pervasive numbness throughout all aspects of life. It is like standing is quicksand: from the chest up everything looks fine, but you know that things are getting worse, and there doesn't seem to be anything you can do to stop it. When things were really bad for me I was unable to functions properly, I couldn't get anything done, I was always tired. But I did not realize that there was actually something medically wrong with me. I thought that everyone went through periods like that and that eventually I would get over it. Or I would die, and then not have to worry about not feeling any more.

At the time I was dating a great guy (Joeyjoejoe) who saw what was going on and told me that I had a problem. He encourages me to see my doctor. She prescribed me anti-depressants. It was like a screen had lifted from my life. Suddenly, I could feel stuff: anger, happiness, ambition. It was the best decision I ever made. And I have Joeyjoejoe to thank for it, because he's the one that told me that what I was going through was actually due to a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I would not be able to get better on my own, by pulling myself up by my 'bootstraps'. I needed medicine to make me better. I am no longer on anti-depressants, but I have had bouts of depression where I resumed taking them temporarily. I don't feel ashamed of my past because I know that my present would not be possible without having gone for help.

In the past few months, various people that I know have shown the same symptoms that I had when I was depressed. I think about what Joeyjoejoe did for me, and so I tell them to go and talk to their doctor. Taking antidepressants does not mean you'll be dependent on them forever, sometimes all that is needed is a boost back into the light.